Mylo-Kerrivan Motorsports: A Legacy of Failure

(Imported from old ESPLAR website)

Inspired by UrinatingTree. Obviously. Keep in mind that this is a fictional league.

TRIGGER WARNING: The following article contains scenes that may cause horrible pain for Mylo-Kerrivan Motorsports fans and/or vicarious joy for series rivals.

​

Mylo-Kerrivan Motorsports: A team that has had early successes but then vanishes into mediocrity within a span of only 15 years. It's painful to see Mylo-Kerrivan, a team that is part of the entire core of the ESPLAR Elite Series struggle like this, but the process goes back way longer to when they were joined by one of the early heroes of the series.

​

1972: As part of the ESPLAR National Series' founding teams, Mylo-Kerrivan accepts the offer of 1968 Great Plains 600 winner Edward Morson to become part of the team. George Mylo is pleased by Morson's skill and enlists him to full time status in the 1st inaugural season of the ESPLAR National Series.

​

1973: Edward Morson wins 3 races and goes on to win the ESPLAR National Series championship. That's some early success that you have there.

​

1973-74 Offseason: Morson decides to retire instead of continuing in Mylo Racing. You merge your team with Ben Kerrivan's and recruit John Schmidt into the team, hoping that he will impress in 1974.

​

1974: Ben Kerrivan fails to make an impact and John Schmidt DNFs half of the races in the ESPLAR calendar. Schmidt gets fired and replaced by Lucian Eschen of Laronia.

​

1975: Ben Kerrivan once again disappoints while Lucian Eschen has an OK rookie season. Expect him to make an impact in the ESPLAR championship battle.

​

1976: Lucian Eschen makes it into championship contention only to fail to finish at Evanshire and gets humiliated afterwards.

​

1977: Everyone else manages to fall apart and Lucian Eschen takes home the team's 2nd championship, only to announce he is moving to Formula A.

​

1978: The team rebrands officially as Mylo-Kerrivan but they fall apart and don't make it to championship contention.

​

1981: Mylo-Kerrivan tries a unique tactic to try to win the Morson-Austin Trophy: they recruit Arcadia's Riley Erikssen who touts himself as a dedicated racer.

​

Evanshire 600, 1981: Erikssen gets demolished by Max Edwards and Hennivan Racing and they finish 3rd to win the championship.

​

1982-1985: Despite your best efforts, Hennivan Racing keeps winning the championship.

​

1986: Replace Riley Erikssen with Florian Tyker. Unfortunately, Tyker fails to finish in the top 10 all season. He's soon shown the exit door.

​

1987: Ben Kerrivan decides to resign as CEO. Mylo-Kerrivan brings Oran Lenphan as CEO and Lenphan recruits Greg Roskam and Phil Hendon for the season. Sadly, they don't impress and to make matters worse they don't finish in the top 10 in any race this season.

​

1988: Lenphan decides to keep Roskam and Hendon. He has a lot of faith in these two. Hope Mylo-Kerrivan have more luck this season.

​

1988 Evanshire 600: Hey, you actually have both of your cars competing for the Morson-Austin Trophy. Roskam finally scored 2 victories and Hendon managed to stay consistent all season.

​

1988 Evanshire 600, Lap 144: Unfortunately both of your cars have mechanical problems and you fail to win the Morson-Austin Trophy once again. Better luck next season, then.

​

1989: You got to be joking. Both Mylo-Kerrivan cars get plagued by accidents, mechanical problems, pit road blunders and penalties and they fall apart. They didn't even finish in the top 10 this season, let alone in the top 20 in every single race.

​

1990: Greg Roskam retires and Marty Axelrod gets welcomed into the team from Team Maxima. Don't disappoint me, Axelrod.

​

1990 ESPLAR Round of Indiana (Round 22/26): What did I just tell you? Axelrod had a very superb start to the season, yet Mylo-Kerrivan misfortune strikes again and Axelrod falls out of championship contention at Indiana.

​

1990 Evanshire 600: At least Axelrod wins the Evanshire 600 to boost your chances for next season.

​

1991: Congratulations, you once again fail to make it into championship contention despite both Hendon and Axelrod winning two races a piece.

​

1991-92 Offseason: Let's say hello to the newest member of the Mylo-Kerrivan team: Danny Rosentheim!

​

1992: Unfortunately Rosentheim cannot demonstrate his abilities due to a bad car. Axelrod, however, manages to have 3 wins this season and makes it to championship contention at Evanshire.

​

1992 Evanshire 600: Congratulations, you get left in the dust and fail to win the Morson-Austin Trophy.

​

1993: Congratulations, you once again fail to make it into championship contention as both drivers failed to make an impact.

​

1994: Congratulations, you get both of your drivers back into championship contention, only to get demolished by Team Maxima.

​

1995-1997: Congratulations, both of your drivers decide to depart and now you're ******* mediocre.

1998: You decide to hire a rookie in Kallan Schalenhoft (from Laronia) who is not exactly the best in the ESPLAR Lites Series. However, he proves that he has potential by making the top 10 in points that season. You might have an outside chance to win the title this season.

​

1998 Evanshire 700: Uh, scratch that, Schalenhoft gets wiped out of the race by the big one. Better luck next season.

​

1999: You make it back to championship contention only to lose out at Evanshire once again.

​

1999 Evanshire 700: Losing out by getting swallowed by the likes of Team Maxima once again. How many times do you keep losing to Team Maxima?

​

2000: You decide to go all out this season: Schalenhoft is performing at his best for years and you have last years rookie of the year Chris Reginald to bolster the team.

​

2000 Round of Central Illinois: Schalenhoft makes it to championship contention with a victory. You're facing the likes of Lucian Croft and Hennivan Racing, as well as a Team Nitra who has not won a single championship in their entire history. Don't try to blow it this time.

​

2000 Evanshire 700: Okay, never mind. Schalenhoft's car decides to explode on him and his efforts go in vain... while leading by 10 seconds over second place. (YOU BLEW IT) To make matters worse Lucian Croft ends up winning the championship.

​

2001: Turns out that blowing that lead at Evanshire saddened Kallan Schalenhoft so much that he decides to depart for touring cars in France. You still have Chris Reginald, don't you?

​

2002: Except Reginald decides to depart for Team Nitra. Now you're ******* mediocre again.

​

2003-2008: Team management is tired of being mediocre so they sack Oran Lenphan as CEO. They bring in Greg Tyler instead. Despite this, you're still mediocre.

​

2009: The team fans are tired of management and they force them to sack Greg Tyler. You bring in Edward Kerrivan, who in turn, decides to replace their only driver left in the team with Edward's daughter, Laura Kerrivan. Don't tell me this is a corporate ploy to drag the team further down than it already has.

​

2010: Kerrivan is actually pretty decent this season. Yet she fails to win a race and she is nowhere in championship contention. At least you're rebuilding.

​

2011: Kerrivan is consistent and she takes the team back to championship contention at Evanshire.

​

2011 Evanshire 700: YOU LOSE TO A ******* ROOKIE IN KAZUICHI SAIHARA? WHY DID YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN... oh right Kerrivan got the car smacked in the big one and cannot keep up with Kaz' better car.

​

2012: Kerrivan gets let down by a older car and fails to make it to championship contention.

​

2013-16: Kerrivan performs up to the team's expectations and makes it to championship contention every time... only to blow in at Evanshire. Don't let this become a pattern.

​

2017: Kerrivan leaves for ESPLAR Lites and now your team is in the basement. Conglaturation!

​

2018: This is the year: You get Kerrivan back and you get a new star driver in Sweden's Tomas Stronberg. You are performing above expectations: in a year of upsets and tightening championships you are ready to end your legacy of failure and return to your glory years in the 1970's. Tomas Stronberg won at Rockingham and Laura Kerrivan kept herself consistent. Both of you are in championship contention and the team's confidence is at an all-time high. Get yourselves ready for an epic season finale!

​

2018 Evanshire 700: Congratulations, your team still can't win the championship. It would have been the first since 1977 but Tomas Stronberg wrecked himself at a critical moment and Laura Kerrivan is plagued by lapped traffic so much that she is not able to keep up with eventual champion Julia Truong. Even worse is that you lose to a new team called Greater Kanto Motorsports. If you want to win the championship then you must go through them, and they're not easy to get through.

​

(TV Static)

​

It's astonishing to see a team like Mylo-Kerrivan go from championship winners to only just championship contenders. Despite the efforts of Laura Kerrivan to return the team to their former glory, all it does is make the competition stronger. You may have to worry about next season because of a test in a brand new format: the ESPLAR Playoffs. This will keep extra pressure on you to win the Morson-Austin Trophy once again. The question remains: Will Mylo-Kerrivan Motorsports adjust to new formats for the 2019 season and return to their 1970's glory years, or fall to the basement in performance?